My Immortal
by Leonharte
Summary: Re-written and revised version of older fic. Quistis shoujo-ai. Song fic to Evanescense's 'My Immortal.'


_I'm so tired of being here _

Quistis walked down the lonely halls of Balamb. She was sick of the Garden, the well ordered academy grounds, the stuffy teachers, the snobby students. She didn't really belong here, it wasn't her place, it was _hers.  
_

_Suppressed by all my childish fears_

_She_ owned it, _she_, although there was no legal documents, everyone knew that it belonged to her, not the Headmaster. The one with the gorgeous eyes, silky hair, the one that had stole Quistis' heart and soul. Many times _she_ had planned to transfer, but everytime, Cid would pull _her_ back for another student. _  
_

_And if you have to leave_

Quistis reached her room, unlocked the door, brief resistance as the key turned, opened, walked in, closed. Normal routine. Quistis' mind was blank. Everything was so clear, this was routine, it happened at the exact same time._  
_

_I wish that you would just leave_

The quiet sound of raw liquid being poured into crystal, the bottle being put down, the glass gripped with trembling fingers, lifted to a face soaked with tears, and down her throat, burning, bitter, needed, blocking out everything else._  
_

_'Cause your presence still lingers here_

Again, the pouring, the drinking, the utter bitter-sweet pain of the drink. It scaled Quistis' throat, burned her mouth, left her gasping for water. Physical, purely physical, a desire for pain, for hurt, for love._  
_

_And it won't leave me alone_

Another, another, another. Finally, the glass is down for the final time._  
  
These wounds won't seem to heal_

Bitter scars on her wrists._  
_

_This pain is just too real_

Mentally torn apart, thrown down, eaten._  
_

_There's just too much that time cannot erase_

It's all too much, all... too... much.

_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears_

The nights that Quistis used to spend comforting old friends, gone._  
_

_When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears_

Curing old hurts, helping friends get through the hard times, gone._  
_

_I held your hand through all of these years_

Can I remember all that? Do I know all that?_  
_

_But you still have_

I can't do this._  
_

_All of me_

Why?_  
  
You used to captivate me_

There is a small dagger, a knife, a sharp knife, a hidden knife, a dangerous knife. This is the escape, the one thing that is reality, that keeps the pain away, keeps Quistis sane in her mind._  
_

_By your resonating light_

It lives on Quistis' mind all day, until routine says she can touch it, because the routine means control, the control means comfort, a light that wasn't there before the routine._  
_

_Now I'm bound by the life you left behind_

Slowly picked up, only the right hand must touch it, the left is special. Only the right hand gets the glory, the power, gets to keep routine in every aspect, Quistis' blood pumps at the familiar routine. Because this is life.

_Your face it haunts_

Left... to... right, slowly, steady, trying to forget the face that haunts every living moment. Down an inch, left... to... right. Then back again. A drop of red falls on the carpet, then another.

_My once pleasant dreams_

Quistis is taken to a happier time with the routine, of happy days, happy hours, happy minutes, when she didn't know, when she wasn't here.

_Your voice it chased away_

When she came, and Quistis knew, and Quistis loved, and Quistis loathed. And Quistis told. And she laughed. She cried. And Quistis ran.

_All the sanity in me_

Quistis avoided her, the one that caused the pain, the routine to surface, all traces of sanity leave to a dark void of nothing but memories.  
  
_These wounds won't seem to heal_

The scars are open, bleeding free. The carpet is a mess.

_This pain is just too real_

And she is laughing, she is crying, and Quistis' cheek hurts.

_There's just too much that time cannot erase_

It was all too much, it's all... too... much.  
  
_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears_

Why can't she comfort the screaming inside her? Why won't it stop?

_When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears_

They used to call her name, so clearly, she can hear how it used to sound, the screaming.

_I held your hand through all of these years_

It's so clear, she can see them.

_But you still have_

What do they see in her?

_All of me_

Now?  
  
_I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone_

The blood is everywhere, pain is everything, Quistis feels the routine go, it slips away. And reality hits her hard. The brown haired man is there, what's his name, Quistis used to know it... Squall.

_But though you're still with me_

Quistis sees her, and tries to remember, her name, so tired, gone, slipping. It doesn't matter anymore. Nothing matters...

I've been alone all along

"Xu...."

Quistis Trepe

8 October 1980 – 6 March 2000

Loyal student

Devoted Friend

She died in love

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Author's Notes

What I was trying to do here was create an angst shoujo-ai songfic with Quistis, and I think I did it right. I may have been a little darker than what I had intended, but what can you do. I kept the coupling to the very end, leaving you guessing. The song is Evanescence My Immortal, and I think it suited what I was doing really well. Quistis is interesting to write with. Unlike so many other game characters, her personality is so complicated.

This fic may lean heavily to Quistis having Obsessive Complusive Disorder, take it how you want. Suicide is also an issue I wished to tackle, and having that, I turn to something else. I haven't decided what yet.

Copyright Leonharte © 2004

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